how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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