She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
false alarm, still single
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
