I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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