the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
