you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
