Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
