first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
