So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
