sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
