I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
