Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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