Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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