i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
