In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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