Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
