Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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