Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
