dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
