Someone shit on the floor
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
