You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
