I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
