Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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