why do cheetos always look like penises
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
