You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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