I got chris browned last night
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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