I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
