so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
