I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
