Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
