dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
