i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
