You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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