it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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