the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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