Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
