It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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