the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
