i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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