My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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