Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
