my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
