Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
