you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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