a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
