Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
