ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
