drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
