don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
