I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
