I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
