I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
