I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
