Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
