she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
