I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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