i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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